bow down before the one you serve

i think i am allergic to cigarettes. why you ask? well whenever i smoke, or like smoke alot i get dizzy, nauseous, i feel like im trembling all over but im standing perfectly still, and i throw up. and then hallucinate and pass out. yes i am talking about smoking CIGARETTES. *thinks* i should just stop, but i just started smoking to get me to stop drinking, and i started drinking to get myself to stop cutting and i started cutting to harm myself in anyway possible and ... yeah. im in tech class now so ill be off

love will tear us apart again

gahhh. last year i had no friends except one who ended up being in love with me and this year i have changed schools, got over alot of my social anxiety and am now surrounded by the best people in my life. i love them more then life itself, they are the kind of people you will always remember... just because of how much you love each other, and amazingly THEY LIKE ME TOO (:D) anyhow, off topic.... uh... oh yeah.

" you guys are enough to keep me alive, but not enough for me to live happily"

and even brandon, who makes me more incredibly happy then i ever have been isnt enough. tonight we were saying goodbye, kissing under the stars and he said:

BRANDON: thank you ( i found him a place to stay for the night because he ran away from home)

MONA: you dont need to say thanks

BRANDON: yes i do

MONA: no you dont, i would do anything for you

BRANDON: no you wouldnt, you wont promise to stay alive forever, i love you so fucking much, if i didnt have anything to come back to that first week i ran away i would of killed myself (as in not kill myself)

and... yeah. it just got me thinking of stuff, like i love them so much but it wont ever be enough and it kills me, because as much as i thrive in my own misery i would do anything for it to be enough and to actually want it to be enough... get it?

ahhh and brandon is another thing, his family is so fucked its incredible... like i dont want to discriminate BUT... his parents are mormons, and are like THE most judgemental, heartless sons of bitches EVER!! they trash all his music, movies and his FUCKING SELF ESTEEM!!! BECAUSE OF YOU HE NEEDS TO TAKE MEDICATION EVERY DAY JUST SO HE WONT KILL HIMSELF!! YOU ARE A BAD PARENT, FACE IT!! YOUR FIRST SON IS A DRUG DEALER AND YOUR SECOND SON IS DEPRESSED AND FUCKED IN THE HEAD, YOU FUCKERS!!

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If this is the life why does it feel so good to die today?

I used to write to try and chronicle my life, to try and stop from forgetting all the little details that so MAKE a moment. I used to write to vent. But then I felt obligated to record everything that happened to me, and it got boring. So I stopped writing at all. And now... Well fuck it. Ill write whatever I feel like writing. I have to get over my phobia of forgetting. I think im so scared of forgetting because if I can forget something it means that people can forget me. And that's my true fear. Logically the two have nothing to do with each other, but I am not as logical as I would like myself to be.