June twenty Seventh two thoulsand seven.

i am looking back at my last post. looking at it and finding it remarkable how hardly anything has changed. me and my love are back together, after splitting up and re-uniting around seven times since i have last published here, and my views on it are still the same. ( minus the whole crazy revenge thing ) our relationship is as painful and passionate as it was nearly a year ago, with emotions stil running as strong. many other things have changed since last time ive empited my heart and soul on this pixelated page, mostly inane life-changes. things that are bound to happen with time. pseudo-homelessness?

blast. thats all from me again.

true love falied me yet again

this time started like all the others. wtf? i find it frustrating that you are the one who initiated our last reunion, and our last breakup. my love for you wavers, but never comepletely. is this the last time? im no longer convinced of anything. last time i thought it was the last till late one night you had ryan call and leave me cryptic messages about how much in love you are with me. i miss you. two days ago i was thinking of leaving you, but now that you've gotten there first, i dont know what to do with myself. how cruel of you to end it in the middle. before my love for you has faded. i would of stood by you forever. hah, you know why im writing this here? because i destroyed everything else i had of you. your t-shirt. your sweater. your letters. i love you more then i ever had anyone else. to some, it may seem like you treat me badly. but.. i dunno. they take for granted that im not a vindictive bitch. wich to be honest, i kinda am. nobody leaves me the way you did. im coming for you, baby. and you wont know what hit you.

once upon a time..

long long ago there was this planet... earth. that had long since changed. this world is not like the earth we know, that is full of false appearences, placebo gods, and greed. This world was a world of life and magic and truth. people saw things for what they really are as opposed to what they appear to be, a talent that is all but extinct in the 21st century... anyhow, on with my tale..

Of all the mysterious creatures that inhabited the lands there was none more vexing then Magda


TO BE CONTINUED.....

take the plan, spin it sideways... without you I'm nothing at all...

haha oh man ok. so i got like an hour and a half sleep last night, i couldtn sleep so i paced around my driveway at two in the morning chain-smoking and talking to myself. the only thing that ive eaten in the last 2 days is half a bowl of noodles my dad force-fed me... i am exstaticly happy, the most optimistic i have been in years, ive beaten alcoholism, drug abuse, and depression... yet im i the most emotional pain i have ever been in my life.

fuck...

true love's a bitch.

my heart is blue, my heart is blue for you.

FUCK!! you know what really cures apathy? a good dose of politics/counter-culture/philosophy... i almost feel like im back to normal

HAZAHH

bow down before the one you serve

i think i am allergic to cigarettes. why you ask? well whenever i smoke, or like smoke alot i get dizzy, nauseous, i feel like im trembling all over but im standing perfectly still, and i throw up. and then hallucinate and pass out. yes i am talking about smoking CIGARETTES. *thinks* i should just stop, but i just started smoking to get me to stop drinking, and i started drinking to get myself to stop cutting and i started cutting to harm myself in anyway possible and ... yeah. im in tech class now so ill be off

love will tear us apart again

gahhh. last year i had no friends except one who ended up being in love with me and this year i have changed schools, got over alot of my social anxiety and am now surrounded by the best people in my life. i love them more then life itself, they are the kind of people you will always remember... just because of how much you love each other, and amazingly THEY LIKE ME TOO (:D) anyhow, off topic.... uh... oh yeah.

" you guys are enough to keep me alive, but not enough for me to live happily"

and even brandon, who makes me more incredibly happy then i ever have been isnt enough. tonight we were saying goodbye, kissing under the stars and he said:

BRANDON: thank you ( i found him a place to stay for the night because he ran away from home)

MONA: you dont need to say thanks

BRANDON: yes i do

MONA: no you dont, i would do anything for you

BRANDON: no you wouldnt, you wont promise to stay alive forever, i love you so fucking much, if i didnt have anything to come back to that first week i ran away i would of killed myself (as in not kill myself)

and... yeah. it just got me thinking of stuff, like i love them so much but it wont ever be enough and it kills me, because as much as i thrive in my own misery i would do anything for it to be enough and to actually want it to be enough... get it?

ahhh and brandon is another thing, his family is so fucked its incredible... like i dont want to discriminate BUT... his parents are mormons, and are like THE most judgemental, heartless sons of bitches EVER!! they trash all his music, movies and his FUCKING SELF ESTEEM!!! BECAUSE OF YOU HE NEEDS TO TAKE MEDICATION EVERY DAY JUST SO HE WONT KILL HIMSELF!! YOU ARE A BAD PARENT, FACE IT!! YOUR FIRST SON IS A DRUG DEALER AND YOUR SECOND SON IS DEPRESSED AND FUCKED IN THE HEAD, YOU FUCKERS!!

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